Groundhog Days

Groundhog in Captivity: "It started out with a taste. How did it end up like this? It was only a taste; it was only a taste."

It is a well-known fact that groundhogs frequent gardens, but as many gardeners will tell you, they are not there to admire your begonias or to comment politely, but needlessly, on “how well the zuchinnis and squash are coming in.”  Aside from the exceptional melancholy artistic-type groundhogs who sit quietly in the corner sketching still lifes, groundhogs typically visit gardens to eat the zuchinnis, to eat the squash, and to eat whatever else invites their fancy. 

A few days ago, we began to discover evidence that the garden had been infiltrated.  Leaves had been nibbled down to their vines and the plants, in general, seemed in disarray.  It was apparent that something or someone had been blazing imprecise, wandering trails through the patch.  Fortunately, none of the actual produce had yet been touched.  As our actual hogs are now much to big to squeeze through the little holes in the fence and the fence is much too secure for them to break in, we had to assume that this was a hog of another variety, most likely the “ground” variety.

As sympathetic folk, our initial reaction wasn’t that we wanted this critter dead, whatever it was.  We just didn’t want him in our vegetable patch.  Accordingly, one evening, we entered the garden and set a Have-a-Heart trap.  The next day we returned home to find it occupied involuntarily by a frightened groundhog.  We drove several miles away from the house and we set him free.  We went home and put the trap back in the garden for good measure.

The next day, there was another groundhog.  We drove several miles away from the house to the same place and set him free too.  We went home and set the trap again.  Surely, there wouldn’t be another, but just to be safe.

The next day, there was another groundhog.  These weren’t minor breaking-and-entering violations, this was an invasion.  What were they going to do?  Set up a colony and put us under imperial rule?   

We haven’t yet driven this third one away yet.  He’s still stuck in the harried state of wondering if he’s on death row for his crimes.  No, he isn’t.  But there better not be a fourth!